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Are you exhausted without understanding why? Are you ready to give up before you even try? Do you complain a lot about this or that? Do you criticize yourself at the drop of a hat? If you’re looking for ways to overcome negativity, read on to find out how to turn your situation around…with the help of your voice! This week’s exercise is about upgrading your inner dialogue.

As human beings we focus more on the negatives because we’re wired to survive. The problem is we suffer. How can we get out of the negative thought-feeling-speech-behaviour cycle that reinforces suffering, and create more peace and happiness?

It is said that the most important words are the words you say to yourself. Your physical voice is a powerful tool which can be used to transform your everyday experiences through conscious communication. Over the next few weeks I’ll share with you some insights and exercises to help you transform your dull and dreary moments into bright and astonishing discoveries!

As Thich Nhat Hanh explains in his book The Art of Communicating, “Without suffering there would be no happiness. Suffering and happiness always go together. If we don’t understand suffering, we don’t understand happiness.”

Exercise 1 – UPGRADE YOUR INNER DIALOGUE

Observe your thoughts and self-dialogue – including emotions, feelings, language (words & phrases), and even tone of voice. Since much of our inner dialogue is unconscious, the clearer you can get on each of these parts the more you’ll start to understand what you’ve been dealing with and how it makes you feel.

Buy a small notebook and for 1 week pay close attention to your inner dialogue. Spend some time each day (e.g., 10 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes in the evening) to write down the things you say to yourself. You can schedule time to write or do it spontaneously throughout your day with your notebook at your side. Do this for 1 full week. At the end of the week review your notes and ask “What have I discovered about my inner dialogue?“ and “How does it make me feel?”

With this expanded awareness, you can start to disrupt the negative cycle by introducing new self-supportive thoughts, language and attitudes in place of the old discouraging script.

For example, when you make a mistake you might say to yourself “I’m such an idiot!” or “I’m so stupid!”. About another person, you might say “the bloody construction worker is late!” Having someone to blame gives us a sense of power in the moment, but over time the energy of those words takes it’s toll on our self-esteem and our prevailing disposition. You would probably not speak to a friend or loved one with such harsh words, so why do it to yourself? You can still acknowledge that a mistake was made without being so punishing. Replace self-reproach with a supportive dialogue such as: “I didn’t mean for this to happen. I’ve been so busy with work this past week that it slipped my mind.”

Take action this week: Try out the exercise and let me know how it goes for you.

I’d love to hear from you!

Allison

Co-creating a better world through our inner dialogue!

What does a good conversation feel like for you?

What ruins a conversation for you?

What saves a conversation from going off track?

#4 Deal with (potential) conflict

If someone is aggressive or angry, don’t assume that it has something to do with you and don’t take it personally. But if the other person makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, have the courage to express yourself. For example, “You seem frustrated or angry. What’s going on?” When emotions are running high a conversation can sometimes turn into a conflict and we wind up saying or doing things that we never intended. One of the best means to deal with conflict is to ground yourself in the present, while focusing on what’s happening in the moment to moment. Breathe slowly and deeply from the diaphragm to stay calm. Look into the eyes of the other person to acknowledge their presence while demonstrating yours. Maintain respect for yourself and the other, even if the other person doesn’t! Invite the other person to create a place of peace and mutual respect in which to speak with each other or agree to give it some time and speak together later. Know that you don’t always have to respond in words. Sometimes the best response is an extended moment of silence…

#5 Shape and reshape the conversation

Use your powers of observation to stay in tuned to yourself and the other. Be aware of the conversation that you’re creating together. Is it Balanced? Respectful? Enjoyable? Is it Aggressive? Confusing? Upsetting? Know that you can reshape the conversation as needed or desired. Just because a conversation goes off course doesn’t mean it has to stay that way. It’s possible to course correct! Did the conversation go off on a tangent? Bring the focus back. Did you both lose your way? Pick up the thread of your conversation and go on together. Has the conversation become too serious? too heavy? Balance the heaviness with a little humour. Sometimes laughing at our misfortunes is the best remedy! At any time in the conversation, we can co-create a new path together.

#6 Be aware of your conversation habits and update them!

There are so many ways to communicate, but we very often repeat the same old habits. Some people make themselves and their voices smaller in conversations and hesitate to speak up. Their focus is so self-centred that they don’t perceive what’s happening around them because they live in their heads. Other people make their voices louder than necessary. They overwhelm us while trying to control us. Both of these tendencies are survival mechanisms that began at an early age (as a form of self-protection) and then became habits. Become more aware of your conversation habits. Listen and observe yourself in conversations. Where do you habitually get stuck or shut down? Where do you overpower or shut other people down? Which of your conversation habits serve you well? Which habits are preventing you from effectively connecting with others? What new habits do you need to install to create better conversations?

Take action this week:

Ask for feedback from others to gain insight and try something different this week. Then let me know how it goes for you.

I’d love to hear from you!

Allison

Co-creating a better world one conversation at a time!

What kind of conversations are you having at the moment?

Do those conversations fulfil your needs and desires for connection?

What’s standing in the way of you having better conversations?

Today I’m going to share with you 3 ways to have better conversations

[Read more…] about HOW TO HAVE BETTER CONVERSATIONS